


Love, Loss, and Extinction

by alylynn122



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Adult Content, Aftermath of Torture, F/M, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Jargon, PTSD, Paragon Commander Shepard, Romance, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-02
Updated: 2016-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-17 20:46:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5884600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alylynn122/pseuds/alylynn122
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Illusive Man doesn't take rejection well, and he isn't about to lose out on billions of credits without at least trying to reclaim the woman he built.<br/>When Shepard is kidnapped by Cerberus, Kasumi and Thane have to go after her, with the help of some friends. But when the woman they rescue isn't the same Shepard that the Galaxy is relying on, can they get her back before it is too late?<br/>Slight AU, replaces the first part of Mass Effect 3, then flows back into the storyline. Focusing on how we go from a broken Shepard to one of the biggest Reaper killers ever known.</p><p>Spoilers (obviously).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_ The door opens. I walk in, quiet. She looks at me. Worried. _   
“ _ Thane”, she whispers, voice soft.  _   
“ _ Siha, I...” I start, then stop, unable to continue.  _   
“ _ I have known I will die for many years,” I try again, “ I've tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it. You've helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs. I've spoken to my son. I should be at peace on the eve of battle.” She gets up. Fingers brush my arm. Concern shows in her vibrant eyes. _   
“ _ Stop, don't give me a speech,” she commands, voice gentle.   _   
“ _ I'm... ashamed,” I confide, gathering my courage to meet her eyes. She considers me for a moment. Her hand raises to my cheek. Comfort I don't deserve. I push it aside, turn away from her. Her eyes are full of love I did not earn.  _   
_ Steady myself on her metal desk. The tears flow. She cannot see but she knows. I am nothing but a coward.  _   
_ My fist slams the desk, blunt pain clearing my head.  _   
“ _ I have worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I've done. Prepared,” My voice is angry. Look back to see her disgust. She is.. Sad.  _   
“ _ I consider my body's death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me.” My fingers shake. Frustration and  fear. Cowardice. She comes to me, fingers cool and soothing as they clasp my trembling hand.  _   
“ _ Thane,” she says, and I turn to her. She is gentle as she pulls me to her.  _   
“ _ Be alive with me tonight.” Her voice is full of understanding. Affection. Love. Her lips meet mine. I can taste the salt of my tears. The sweetness of her breath. Soft skin, supple as my fingers glide over her arms.  _   
“ _ Siha, I am not worthy,” I mutter into her neck, my forehead on her shoulder. I pull away, prepared to leave. Her grip tightens, soft but firm.  _   
“ _ I love you, Thane,” she whispers into my ear, fingers tracing up my back. I shudder, the weight of her words confounds me. I cannot speak. I pull her to me, pressing my lips into her jaw, working my way to her lips. I show her my love the only way I can, by allowing myself to be vulnerable. We explore each other's bodies, and my fear vanishes. All that exists is her and me.  _   
_ Later, she dozes on my chest. We are naked under the sheets. She is spent, exhausted. I brush her short hair out of her face, wanting this memory to be clear.  _   
“ _ I love you, siha. Thank you,” I whisper as I lean over to kiss her forehead with a gentleness I had forgotten I had.  _   
  
Kepral's Syndrome is not gentle like this memory. It pulls me from my reverie with burning intensity. I cannot quiet the coughing for several minutes. Pain is nothing new to me, but incessant pain that finds me even in my thoughts is surprising. Seeking distraction, I turn to the screen beside me, where the current news flashes. Earth is burning, as it has been for weeks. The Reapers have decimated many cities, including Shepard's. I do not know if she has crossed the sea, but a more consuming pain engulfs me when I think about it. Better to be lost in old memories than to think her lost.    
Kasumi has visited me, kept me company while I cough and sputter or while I live in my memories. She understands, I believe. She lives inside Keiji's memories as well. Something called a gray box. A human equivalent of my mind, I suppose.   
She visits these memories while I visit mine, but I often see her smiling through her tears as she gazes into her blue visor, lost to the world. Grieving souls seek comfort in each other, but I cannot help but hope my loneliness is not as permanent as hers.     
I hear footsteps behind me, and recognize them as Kasumi's. She is a good thief. She almost snuck up on me.    
“Thane,” she starts. Her voice is unsure, not like her usual tone.    
“Kasumi. Something is wrong?” I question, turning to face her. She nods, her face pale beneath her hood as she hands me a datapad.    
It is a message from Miranda to the Illusive Man. The address it is from shows Liara's extranet address, with a note:   
“I sent this as soon as I could. My base was attacked. But Shepard is in trouble. Please let me know if you can help.”    
  
Dread filled me, but I kept my face blank as  I read.    
  
“I don't know what you think you're doing. We both agreed Shepard was the best hope for humanity, whether she was with us or not. But now, I hear you have taken her somewhere. There seem to be only two theories to this: One, you are indoctrinated; or two, you are putting the fate of the galaxy on the line to soothe your wounded pride. You have made a laughing stock of everything Cerberus once stood for. Shepard is the last hope this galaxy has of beating the Reapers. If you don't release her, and let her do what you brought her back to do, then we are all doomed.”    
  
Cerberus had Shepard. Jack's scars and David's prison jumped into my head, reminding me of what Cerberus could do. It was bad enough when Shepard worked with them, but even worse if she was in their custody. They did not have a history that spoke of mercy.    
“Kasumi, get Liara on the vidcom. Now!” I barked, launching another coughing fit. Kasumi did as I asked, her face wearing her own concern for Shepard. She, too, knew what this meant.    
Her omnitool sparked to life, and Liara assembled before us in a flickering hologram.    
“Kasumi, I'm glad you called. I just got new intel on Shepard,” Liara said, her breath coming out in pants.    
“Thane is going to help us, too, Liara. What do you have?” Kasumi replied. The asari nodded, her eyes not leaving the datapad in her hand.    
“It shows here that Shepard was reinstated the day Earth was attacked, probably by Anderson. I've found some transmissions from Hackett that EDI recorded, telling Shepard to go to Mars instead of to the Citadel. I've finally made contact with the Normandy, and Joker says Shepard still hasn't returned from the mission. He's been orbiting Mars for three days, and hasn't been able to make contact,” Liara explained.    
“I sent the coordinates of the Mars base to your omnitool. I can't find any civilian flights to the Sol Sytem. The Council has released a travel restriction.  But Joker says he can come pick you up, though. He can be here in a few days,” she continued, looking at Kasumi.   
My fist slammed the wall behind me, making the asari jump.    
“That's not good enough,” I growled, my fists clenching tighter.    
“In a few days, Shepard will be dead,” I added in a low mutter. I felt my facial features harden.    
“Don't you think I'd get you there sooner if I could?” Liara responded, her words full of venom.    
“You are the best information broker in the galaxy. Do you expect me to believe there is not a single ship headed to the Sol relay?” I spat. My chest ached and I couldn't think clearly.    
“My base was attacked. With the Reapers everywhere, my contacts have been scattered, and working out of a cruiser doesn't exactly offer a lot of intel,” she replied coldly. My chest heaved as I tried to maintain my oxygen levels. My fists were shaking, but my siha was not here to offer comfort this time.    
“You aren't the only one who loves her,” Liara added, her words accusing.    
“I will be in my apartment. Kasumi, please locate me when Joker arrives,” I said, not bothering to bid Liara farwell.    



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm always open for advice, criticisms, and suggestions. If there is something you think the story is lacking, or something that seems out of place or out of character, please leave a comment or review to let me know. There is always more I can fix. Also, please, tell me what parts you like too, so I can keep it in mind for future fics/chapters. :)

“ _It is better this way, Thane. You'll get better medical help here on the Citadel instead of with me, and I don't know how long they would keep us.... You should be with your son, if anything happens....” She stops short. Her eyes won't meet mine, but I see her tears._  
“ _Siha, you are a hero to the Alliance. Surely they won't hold you for more than a few days, until they hear your story,” I reassure her. Take her hands in mine. Her palms are softer than a drell's, but are rigid with callouses and scars. She smiles._  
“ _You've never dealt with the military before, have you?” she says. Sarcasm coats her voice. She raises her eyes to mine,. She is drinking me in, trying to memorize my face. She is preparing for a long separation. I drop her hands. She cannot hide the hurt._  
“ _How long?” I manage to ask,. My voice  is thick with fear. I am failing her again, but I am so afraid for her. For us._  
“ _I don't know, Thane. They'll charge me with treason, I'm sure,” she mutters. Folds her arms across her chest._  
“ _Treason?” I echo. She nods._  
“ _It's a crime they slap onto the records of anyone that pisses off someone powerful. It used to be punishable by death, a hundred years or so ago. Now, they usually just exile you or send you off to the mines or something. They won't do that with me. As much as they hate to admit it, they need me. And I need their resources to even have a hope against the Reapers,” she explains quickly. She looks into my eyes. Pleading._ _I cannot help the tears as they flow. I do not wish to face my final months alone while she waits for the Reapers in an Earth cell._  
“ _Please, siha, do not go,” I implore softly, taking her hands again. Her face is pained, torn. She has a duty to her people. It is one of the things I love her for. But we have so little time left._  
“ _Thane, I don't have a choice. Please, don't make this harder for me. This isn't a decision I make lightly. But you can send me messages, and we will see each other again,” she promises, though her words ring empty._  
“ _Siha...” I start again. She silences me with a kiss._  
“ _Thane, I love you. Please, trust me,” she whispers. Her arms wrap around my neck. Safe. Warm. A Farewell._  
“ _I love you, siha, always. If something happens, I will wait for you across the sea,” I murmur into her ear. My hands roam her body, committing it to memory, although I already know every orifice of it by heart._  
 _She backs away slowly, not tearing her eyes from mine as she steps into the Normandy's airlock. She gives me a sad smile. The final look before the doors close. I am alone on the docks._  
“ _Goodbye, siha,” I say mournfully._  
  
“Father, are you alright?” Kolyat asked. He had just walked in from work, looking exhausted and hungry.   
“I am well, Kolyat, you need not worry,” I reassured him. He didn’t buy into my excuse. He looked closely at my face, but I could not bring myself to shut him out.   
“What happened?” he inquired, his mother's gentleness evident in his voice. I could almost hear Irikah.   
“Shepard has been.... captured. We do not know where she is,” I informed him. It took all of my effort to keep my voice level.   
“I am sorry, Father. I hope she is found,” he replied, pulling up a chair to sit beside me at the table.   
“I am leaving in a few days to help find her,” I added quickly, knowing he would  object.   
“Father, you can't. Not in your condition,” he burst out. All gentleness was gone from his voice.  
“You are angry with me,” I guessed.   
“Yes,” came the simple answer.    
“I am sorry, Kolyat, but I cannot stay behind. I must find her,” I asserted regretfully.   
“You are in no condition to go rampaging through the galaxy. You are not healthy enough,” he boomed. I struggled to maintain my calm, knowing that he was speaking only out of grief.   
“I cannot lose her, as well,” I admitted quietly. He sighed, dropping to his knees in front of me.   
“I understand, Father, but Shepard can take care of herself. She will escape, I have no doubt about that,” he reasoned,. I could almost see him is a child again, begging me not to leave so soon.   
“I thought the same with your mother. She was strong, but I underestimated how much she needed my protection, and I could not save her. I will not make the same mistake again.” I countered, rising from my chair and pulling him up with me.   
“There are rudimentary treatments available, Kolyat, that may stabilize me for some time. I was considering them before this, but now have no choice,” I said.  
“Why didn't you take them earlier?” he questioned incredulously.   
“Because they have only been tested on lab grown organs, no clinical trials yet. There may be risks to them. But I am already out of time. If I can save her before Kalahira comes for me, it will have been worth it.”  
“I can't stop you, can I?” His eyes held more sorrow than I will ever be able to fix.   
“No,” I replied sadly.   
“Father, please be careful. She may need you, but so do I,” he revealed.   
“I will always be with you, Kolyat. You must not forget that,” I pulled him into a hug. He was almost taller than me, strong and so much like his mother. He nodded into my shoulder, and hugged me as he had not done since he was small.

“I love you,” he sighed.

“And I love you, Kolyat,” I affirmed, hugging him tighter. 


	3. Chapter 3

_“There has to be something I can do.” Her words surprise me. It occurs to me that while I have accepted my fate, she has not._

_“Some things cannot be changed, siha. Death is one of them.”_

_“How can you give up so easily?” she whispers. I seat myself on the bed beside her._ _  
_ _“Acceptance and giving up are two very separate things. G_ _iving up would mean I  lay in bed all day waiting for the end. Acceptance is understanding what is to come, and making peace with it. As a soldier, do you not prepare yourself before every mission for the exact same thing?” I explain. Hand moves to her knee. Her palm presses against my fingers._

 _“I refuse to believe it will happen. If I accept it, then it might as well be my fate. I am always aware that it is a possibility, but in my heart, I refuse to acknowledge it as fact. The only truth I accept is that the mission will be accomplished, whatever the cost,” she maintains._   
_“You may look into whatever treatments you wish, siha. I will cooperate. I am not giving up, but there will be a time when we are parted. It will be easier for you if you are prepared for it.”_   
_“I don’t even want to think about it,” she breathes._   
_“I understand, but my body’s death is inevitable. As is yours,” I remind her. Her head leans against my shoulder, her hair falling onto my collarbones. Her arm encircles my shirtless chest. Warm. Soft. The stripes of her scars shift as she breathes._   
_“Do not despair, siha. Even death could not part us for long. I will never leave your side,” I promise. Lips graze her forehead. At last, she smiles. But her smile falters._   
_“Thane, I know you are eligible for a transplant.”_   
_“Where did you get this information?”_   
_“I wish I had gotten it from you,” she replies accusingly._   
_“Whatever your source, the information is outdated. My time for a transplant came and passed even before I met you. I wish it were a viable option.. but as of now, my body would not survive the procedure.” Remorse in her eyes._   
_“I am sorry, Shepard. When I was first diagnosed with Kepral’s, I believed it to be a punishment by the gods for my failure to protect Irikah, and for the part I played in the suffering of her killers. I had no wish to consider any treatments, then. I wanted to suffer as the gods saw fit. Even now, I cannot fully regret the decision. It is that suffering and recklessness that lead me to you,” I continue. She listens without interrupting. Patient. But I can see the regret she feels._   
_Pull her into my lap. I kiss her neck. Her hair slides over the ridges on my jaw. She breathes in deeply. Relaxes into me. I kiss her shoulders. Her jaw. Her temple. She seems to enjoy my attentions. A soft sigh escapes her lips._   
_Suddenly, she spins around on my lap. She pulls me into a passionate kiss. Breathless. Exhilarating. My skin tingles where her fingers glide over my jaw._ _  
_ A moan sounds in my throat. My hands grasp at her wildly. Her pace is enthusiastic. Liberating.

 

“Alright, you are finished,” the salarian doctor said, pulling the needle out of my artery. Reluctantly, I opened my eyes. The memory had done a good job of blocking the pain, but I could still feel the sting of the medication in my veins.  
“Avoid injury, vigorous exercise, and high amounts of sodium,” the doctor ordered, watching as I replaced my jacket.   
“Why?” I asked. He had not warned me of this prior to the treatment.   
“You are in late stages of Kepral’s. I could not give you the full dose without risking clots. Strenuous exercise increases your heart rate, elevates your blood pressure. This makes clots more likely. Injury resulting in blood loss and a diet high in sodium will decrease the fluids in your veins, making the nanoproteins inefficient. They will not function much better than your own blood cells if you lose too much.”

“And if I should do those things?” He looked at me oddly.

“Then this treatment will do little more than offer a slight reprieve from your suffering.”

“How long?”

“That depends if you are planning on vigorous exercise or whether your concerns come from your plans of being wounded in the near future,” the salarian remarked snidely.

“I do not intend to be wounded, but it is a possibility. Vigorous exercise is unavoidable.”

“In the case of a wound, you would deteriorate more quickly than other drell, depending on the extent of blood loss. Vigorous exercise will induce shortness of breath, dizziness, pain, fatigue, and other symptoms you are already experiencing,”

“If my symptoms return, can I have another treatment?” I inquired.

“Depending on the severity of the symptoms, it is plausible. I cannot reverse the damage already done, however, so it is unknown if further treatments would yield better results should one not be efficient.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”

“You are welcome. Just, please, remember to keep this under wraps. I cannot afford for the council to be questioning me about testing experimental cures on living patients,” he cautioned.

“Of course. Please bear this burden with ease, Doctor. Your intervention is saving many lives, even if it cannot preserve my own.”

I bowed my head to him, then turned to take my leave.

“I wish you luck,” he murmured as I walked through the door. Luck was the one thing I wouldn’t need.


	4. Chapter 4

_ “Shepard?” the asari gaped, “But you’re…. dead.”  _ __   
_ Three people walk in. Armor. Heavy guns. Two humans. Female. One turian. Male.  _ __   
_ “I got better.”  _ __   
_ The woman in the middle spoke. Smaller than her companions. Her words were laced with assurance. Her weapon was holstered.  _ __   
_ “And now you’re here to kill me,” Nassana guessed. Her guards cock their weapons. Thermal clips hit the floor. Shepard’s companions become alert. The woman to her left is bald. Covered in tattoos. Nearly naked. The glow surrounding her exposes her as a biotic. The turian carries a sniper rifle. Mantis. His face boasts heavy scars on one side. Matching his battered armor. Shepard keeps her hands to her sides.  _ __   
_ “You’re really paranoid, aren’t you?”  _ __   
_ “Don’t patronise me, Shepard,” the asari contends with a dismissive wave of her hand. She directs her attention to the window behind her. _ __   
_ “Charming as ever,” comes the sarcastic reply.  _ __   
_ “I’m sure you find this all very ironic,” Nassana comments, turning back to address her, “First, you take care of my sister. And now you’re here for me…. Well, you made it this far. Now what?” _ __   
_ “You really think I’m here to kill you?”  _ __   
_ “Do you have another reason for destroying my tower? Decimating my security?”  _ _   
_ __ “I’m just looking for someone.” 

_ “Do you really expect me to believe that?” the asari growls.  _ __   
_ “Is it credits? Is that what you want? Just tell me your price, we can make this problem go away,” she adds.  _ __   
_ I walk through the ducts to get a better glimpse of Shepard. I don’t bother to silence the falls of my feet. She knows I am here.  _ __   
_ “All the credits in the world won’t make this problem go away, Nassana.”  _ __   
_ “Who the hell gave you the right to play god? I may not be perfect, but look at you. We both kill people for money. What’s the difference?” the asari snaps.  _ __   
_ “You kill people because you think they’re beneath you; they’re in your way. I kill people because they leave me no choice.”  _ __   
_ “You’ve got a choice. You don’t have to do this. I can tell you…”  _ __   
_ I move into position above Nassana. Her guards hear me this time. She looks at them. Irate.  _ __   
_ “What?” She turns to her guard. Annoyed.  _ __   
_ “Damn it. Check the other entrances,” she commands.  _ __   
_ “You,” she addresses Shepard, “stay put.”I take advantage of her distraction. My feet fall quickly, and my hands find the neck of one of her guards, twisting it with a crunch before he can utter a cry.  _ __   
_ “When I’m finished with this nuisance, you and I are going to…” she says as I punch another of her guards. He groans.  _ __   
_ “Who?” Nassana cries, turning in time to see me shoot her last remaining guard. She points her gun at me. My hand seizes it, the other pulling her into my gun barrel. My finger pulls the trigger, and the spark sounds as the bullet lodges itself into her abdomen. She collapses against me. Gently, I support her head as I lean her back against her desk. She grunts in pain. Her last breaths wheeze out as I fold her hands over her chest. All is silent.  _ __   
_ “Impressive, you certainly know how to make an entrance,” the turian observes.  _ __   
_ I do not look up from my prayers, but I hear armor move as the woman approaches me.  _ __   
_ “I was hoping to talk to you,” she says after a moment.  _ __   
_ “I apologize, but prayers for the wicked must not be forsaken,” I explain.  _ __   
_ “Do you really think she deserves it?”  _ __   
_ “Not for her, for me,” I mutter as I finish the prayer in my mind.  _ __   
_ “The measure of an individual can be difficult to ascern by actions alone. Take you, for instance. All this destruction… chaos,” I say as I walk around the desk to her. She looks at the woman lying peacefully on its surface as I speak. She looks back at me. I cannot pluck out a certain emotion from her gaze. Perhaps the gods sent her here to finally bring me to an end.  _ __   
_ “I was curious to see how far you’d go to find me,” I confide.  _ __   
_ “Well, here I am.” I stop in front of her. My weapon holstered. Prepared for whatever may happen.  _ __   
_ “Let’s cut to the chase,” she says. I tense, ready for her to strike.  _ __   
_ “I need you for a mission.” I glance at her for a moment, surprised.  _ __   
_ “Indeed?”  _ __   
_ “You’re familiar with the Collectors?” she asks. I see flashes of broken bodies and news reports.  _ __   
_ “By reputation.” I walk past her, the memories plaguing me.  _ __   
_ “They’re abducting entire human colonies. Freedom’s Progress was their handiwork.”  _ __   
_ “I see.”  _ __   
_ “We’re going after them,” she says, determined. I turn to face her. Her arms are crossed. Confident.  _ __   
_ “Attacking the Collectors would require passing through the Omega 4 Relay. No ship has ever returned from doing so,” I reply, interested to see what she thinks her chances are.  _ __   
_ “They told me it was impossible to get to Ilos, too,” she reminds me.  _ __   
_ “A fair point. You’ve built a career on performing the impossible,” I concede, turning to face the rising sun. Shepard joins me at my side. I close my eyes, enjoying the feeling of companionship her presence brings.  _ __   
_ “This was to be my last job,” I admit.  _ __   
_ “I’m dying.” I look at her briefly, but she doesn’t speak.  _ __   
_ “Low survival odds don’t concern me. The abduction of your colonists does,” I clarify.  _ __   
_ “I hadn’t heard that. Is there anything I can do?” she asks. My eyes meet hers for a moment.  _ __   
_ “Giving me this opportunity is enough. The universe is a dark place. I’m trying to make it brighter before I die.” The sun glares through the windows. Warm.  _ __   
_ “Many innocents died today. I wasn’t fast enough, and they suffered. I must atone for that,” I say, turning to face her.  _ _   
_ __ “I will work for you, Shepard. No charge.” 

 

The room slowly faded back into view. James and Cortez sat before me, mesmerized.    
“That’s wicked, man! How come Lola never told me that?” James laughed, smacking my arm playfully.    
“It is not a memory she likes to relive,” I replied simply.    
“Why not? That shit is insane,” James pressed.    
“She probably doesn’t like to remember him like that,” Cortez piped up. He had been quiet until now.   
“That is correct. That was before I woke up. She prefers not to revisit that part of my life,” I confirmed. Cortez nodded, sorrow in his eyes.    
“Mr. Krios, we will be holding a meeting in the War Room shortly. Would you care to join us?” EDI’s voices piped up.    
“Yes. I will head there now.”    
“Will you two be joining us?” I directed my question to Cortez and Vega.    
“I doubt we have a choice,” Vega groaned. Cortez shrugged.    
“Let us proceed, then.”    
The war room took the place of both Mordin’s Lab and Jacob’s armory. It spanned the entire hull of the ship. Our team met at the table in the center of what used to be the lab. 

James, Kasumi, Cortez, Joker, and Traynor were assembled around the table. I had gotten to know the three new members of the crew while on the way to Mars. We were starting at the place Shepard was last seen. 

“Alright, so here is where Kaidan was attacked,” Traynor said, highlighting the roof of the research building.    
“Ok, and Shepard was last seen fighting with Dr. Eva here,” James added, touching a ladder that lead down to another landing pad.    
“That’s where we should start our search, then,” I concluded. I did not wish to speak more. By this time, Shepard had already been missing for nine days.    
“We already searched that area,” Joker muttered.    
“Then what are we doing here?” I demanded angrily. Traynor jumped, but Joker just narrowed his eyes at me.    
“We’re here to meet with a contact of Miranda’s. Ex-Cerberus, like her. She was a scientist at a Cerberus facility in the northern hemisphere,” he replied curtly.    
“What sort of intel does the contact have?” I tried to keep my voice level. Shepard would not have wanted me to blame her crew for her disappearance.    
“We don’t know. The asshole won’t say anything until we meet in person. He said he’ll give us information in exchange for a favor, but he also wouldn’t tell us what he wanted. It could be a complete waste of time,” Traynor chimed in.    
“Yeah, but it’s the only lead we have,” Cortez said.    
“And if it is a dead end?” I inquired.     
Five eyes looked at me, but no one offered an answer.    
“Alright, then let’s go to the meeting place,” James offered.    
My heart was pounding as we boarded the shuttle. Cortez took his place at the controls, lifting off as Joker opened the back hatch.    
Soon, we were flying over dunes and dusted rocks. The landscape was similar to the place in New Mexico I had visited with Kolyat. A part of me wished I had brought him, but I knew it was best he was safe on the Citadel. I would not be able to bear it if he came to harm as well.    
“Are we nearly there?” I asked impatiently, moving behind Cortez to see the map of the surrounding area.    
“Thane, please try to relax. We need you coherent,” Kasumi said before the pilot could answer, placing a supportive arm on my shoulder.    
“I’m trying,” I snapped, wrenching my shoulder away. She wasn’t phased by my anger.    
“We’ll find her. But in the mean time, what do you think Shepard would say if she were here?” the thief smiled.    
“She’d say something corny, I bet,” James interjected, “like, ‘In the darkest times, all we need is to hold on to our hope. Things have a way of working themselves out. Now, where’d that wine go?’”    
Cortez and Kasumi laughed. Despite myself, I couldn’t help but feel my mood improve. He was right. Shepard would have been trying to make light of the situation, or she would be trying to give a gods awful speech about destiny.    
“That’s not like her at all,” I said softly. They looked over at me, a smirk on their lips.    
“She would be reaching for the ryncol. Shepard thinks human drinks are for sissies,” I continued with a slight smile. James slapped his knee, and even Cortez snorted.    
“See, Thane? You just have to think like Shepard,” Kasumi teased, squeezing my shoulder again. I didn’t throw her hand off this time.    
“We’re here,” Cortez said, and my smile faded. The playful teasing had been a good distraction, at least.    
Kasumi and I filed out onto the landing pad, with James following close behind. The landing pad was overshadowed by a large tower, perhaps one of the tallest in the city.    
“He’s going to meet us behind that docking bay,” Kasumi said, pointing to a dock several stories up on the building.    
It took a total of two minutes for us to hitch an elevator and proceed to find the hiding place. In that time, Kasumi had cloaked herself and James had taken a defensible position behind some shipping crates, in case it was a set up. It would be my responsibility to meet and question the contact. I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes to meditate and say a prayer to Arashu to protect both myself and Shepard until my mission could be completed.    
“Are you Miranda’s friend?” A voice asked behind me. 

I turned quickly, hand on the holster of my pistol. A man stood a few feet behind me, dressed in a colonist outfit. He was a light-skinned, bearded man in his middle years. Strands of gray already shone in his cropped hair.    
“Yes,” I replied.    
“I was told you would be willing to make a deal in exchange for information about Commander Shepard,” the man stammered. He had obviously never taken part in an information exchange before.    
“Yes.” I kept my voice passive. This man is seeking us out for his own gain. His information may not have been reliable.    
“Alright. Well, in exchange for the information, I want passage to the Citadel aboard your ship, and I want help getting past immigration processing,” he said.    
“Very well. Tell me your information, and we shall see that you get to the Citadel safely. We have a few contacts that can assist you with a false identity,” I stated. The man shook his head, crossing his arms in front of him.    
“No. You’ll take me to the Citadel first, and once I have my papers, I’ll tell you what I know,” the man protested.    
“We don’t have that kind of time to spare. We need to find Shepard now!”    
“Then we don’t have a deal,” he remarked. The poor man barely had time to shout before I slammed him against the wall, painfully, but not hard enough to do damage. My wrist encircled his throat.    
“I will not ask again. The information you have. Now. We will uphold our end of the bargain,” I growled. My fingers tightened around his throat. I was not cutting off his air, but it would be in short supply.    
“Alright, alright,” he croaked, and I loosed my grip. Slightly.    
“She was kidnapped as per the Illusive Man’s orders. He wanted her for some sort of procedure.”   
“What procedure?” My voice was low and menacing. I did not have much time before the dizziness would hit, and this meeting needed to conclude before then.    
“I don’t know. I wasn’t really that high up on the list of people the Illusive Man trusts. And since Miranda left, he’s been even more… well, illusive. I had a friend that was contacted to work on the experiments, though. He couldn’t tell me what they were doing, but one of his friends mentioned Shepard’s name on vidcomm when he thought they were alone.” the man explained. My strength fading, I roughly released him.    
“What did he say, exactly?”    
“I don’t remember much. He just said, ‘Shepard isn’t responding.’ My friend told him to inject her with something, and he would be right there. Look, you can’t tell anyone you got this from me. You’d put my friend’s life in danger,” he pleaded.    
My heart froze. Were we too late? Was Shepard already gone?    
“Did you hear anything else from the call?” I snapped.    
“What? No… I told you everything, I swear.”    
“Where can I find your friend?”    
“I don’t know. That was the last time I saw him. He said for his own safety he couldn’t be around me anymore, that whatever they were doing was for the good of the galaxy,” he defended nervously.    
“What is your friend’s name?” My voice was menacing. The man was shaking. Good.    
“Matthew Kellett,” he relinquished without argument. I tried to hold in my contempt. His willingness to cooperate was good for me, but could cost his friend his life, for all he knew. This man was a coward.    
“Wait here, and one of my friends will assist you in getting back to the ship,” I ordered, turning to leave without a further word. The man had better sense than to call out to me, at least.    
I heard James call over the comm for a pick up just before I switched it off, wanting to be alone.    
I found myself unconsciously sliding into the elevator, and hitting the top floor. Anger pulsed in my blood, and even with all of my training, I found it hard to keep myself calm.    
The elevator doors open, and I am drawn to the windows looking over the scant city below us. Beyond the buildings, I see the reddish gray sands of the sprawling over the horizon. The sight would be beautiful, if I could see anything but red brown staining Shepard’s clothes after the Collector base. My chest ached, and the dizziness came without warning. I sagged against the wall, breathing in shallow breaths to get oxygen into my lungs. The environment in the building was falsely humidified to make it feel more comfortable for the humans. It made it less than ideal for me. I remembered how Shepard used to turn down the humidity and turn up the heat when I joined her in her cabin. Her absence was a chilling ache at my side.    
_ Where are you, siha? _ _   
_


	5. Chapter 5

_The bed I am on is unfamiliar. I can hear breathing next to me, solid and even. My own breaths are not as labored as usual. The air in the room is arid and dry, even more so than Life Support. The din of the engine core is severely dimmed. Blankets slide over my bare legs as I push myself up on my elbows. The plush pillows behind me are not mine._   
_“Thane?” Her voice is a throaty whisper. Still half asleep. I look over, relieved to see Shepard curled up beside me. Still, I cannot shake the feeling something is wrong._   
_Her hands gently tug on my shoulder, pulling me back onto the pillow beside her. I feel her fingers trace the frills on my cheek, her thumb brushing my bottom lip. My breath pours out of me. She pulls me closer to her, resting her head on my shoulder. Soft hair drags across my bare torso as she does so._   
_“It’s alright,” she says, “I always feel uneasy when I first wake up from a deep sleep too. It’s been a while since you really rested, hasn’t it?”_   
_“In my profession, heavy sleep is a death sentence. Seldom do I even dream,” I admit. She wraps an arm around my abdomen. Finally, my tensed muscles relax._   
_“Close your eyes. The most dangerous people in the galaxy are already on this ship.” Her words are teasing, but accurate. I turn, nestling into the crook between her neck and the pillow._   
_Her lips press against my forehead. Soft._   
_“Go back to sleep. I’ll still be here when you wake up,” she soothes. Her breaths create a lullaby in my ears as she gently massages my arm. Greedily, I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of safety her embrace creates. Comfort I didn’t know I craved._

The beep of Shepard’s private terminal interrupted my thoughts. My eyes reluctantly slid open, and the warmth of the memory by my side faded into cold air. Involuntarily, I shuddered. The bed was too empty, but I could not bring myself to spend another night alone in Life Support. At least here, I could feel her presence. The cabin seemed to be largely untouched, though the fish tank was empty. Shepard’s hamster had been caught in Jack’s old hiding spot, at least, and had been returned to his tank on the shelf. Here, if I closed my eyes, I could almost convince myself she would waltz out of the bathroom in just a few minutes, and gently tease me for being too easily worried.  
I pulled myself from the bed, pausing to slide my shirt and jacket back on once I had retrieved them from the floor. The terminal beeped again several times, indicating an incoming call. Rushing to the screen, I saw Miranda on the screen. I brought up the camera on my side, and she nodded in greeting.  
“Thane, how is the search going?” she asked. Despite her issues with Shepard, she could not hide the concern in her voice.  
“A dead end. I can find no records on Kellett.” I had taken to using Shepard’s terminal lately, my older omnitool being slow to load the extranet sites. I had never bothered to upgrade to the new model, believing it to be a waste if I would only be around to use it for a short time.  
“Cerberus did a good job of wiping him off the map. I still have a few contacts willing to help me from the inside, though. The Illusive Man has been allocating a lot of funds to a project called Exhumari,” she said.  
“Exhumari?” I repeated thickly. My translator had not recognized the word.  
“It’s a word from a language that was spoken by primitive cultures on Earth, most dialects stem from it. It means to exhume,” she clarified.  
“Exhume… I… That is… That means to pull a corpse out from its grave, does it not?” My words stumbled over each other in my horror.  
“Not exactly. It means to dig up. In some context, it can mean to start over.”  
“Regardless, what does it mean for Shepard?” I can barely force my voice above a whisper. My hands trembled as I reached for Shepard’s N7 helmet, the one she had been wearing when she died. I cradled it in my grip absent-mindedly.  
“With her, I believe it means he is planning to change her, somehow. Perhaps try to cut his losses and find a way to utilize her.”  
“Utilize…” I repeated dumbly, fingers stroking the crack in the helmet.  
“Thane, he won’t sell her off for parts. With the funds that are going into the project, I guarantee he is keeping Shepard alive for something. That means we have time to find her,” the woman explained confidently.  
“Very well. What is our next lead?” I set down Shepard’s helmet on the desk, turning my full attention to Miranda.  
“The last person Kellett spoke to on his extranet address was someone named Veronica Knowles. The content of the email suggests some emotional attachment, maybe a wife or a lover? Either way, worth checking out. You’ll find her on Illium.”  
“Illium? That is a long way away..”  
“It will take you less time than it did to get to the Citadel. The relays you need to connect to Illium aren’t under any travel restrictions. I suggest leaving now, however. I’m not sure how long Shepard will be able to resist whatever the Illusive Man is trying to pull.”  
Hanging up the call with Miranda hardly brought me any solace. Shepard was out there being altered somehow, and the only lead we had was a bank statement and a distant connection.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to write Thane realistically, but also trying to show that he is lost and confused. He knows he is dying, and he suddenly feels the guilt of a lifetime building up on him. He won't stay this way for the whole story. The point of this fic is to explore the PTSD and demons of both Shepard and Thane though, to show how they got from the people they were in Mass Effect 2 to the ones we see in Mass Effect 3. As always, I'm open to suggestions if this doesn't seem right or realistic.

_ “Thane, this needs to stop.” _ __   
_ Her voice is accusing, angrier than I’ve ever heard it. Even when we first spoke.  _ __   
_ “What needs to stop?” I ask, playing innocence. Sunset colored eyes narrow at me, anger and hurt.  _ __   
_ “You think I don’t know you’ve been freelancing?” She is shaking. Frustration. Or fear? I take her in my arms. I pretend not to notice when she tenses at my touch. She glares at my hands, perhaps thinking of what they have done.  _ __   
_ “I needed to support us somehow. Please, Irikah, forgive me,” I beg. She pulls away.  _ __   
_ “I would rather starve than have you come home with blood on your hands,” she growls. Breath hitches in my throat.  _ __   
_ “I thought you changed,” she adds.  _ __   
_ “I have. I only take contracts that will help people, I give you my word.” My hands hover in the air between us. I reach for her, but the look in her eyes stops me.  _ __   
_ “Thane, I’m pregnant,” she sighs. Joy pulls at the corners of my mouth, and I close the distance to her. I kiss her cheek, and she stiffens, gently prying my fingers off of her.  _ __   
_ “I thought this would be good news. We have been trying for so long,” I say, confused.  _ __   
_ “It would be good news if you had stopped your contracts like you told me you did. What am I supposed to say to our child? How can I tell him that his father is a…” She turns from me, and her shoulders shudder with quiet sobs.  _ __   
_ “Is a what?” I cannot stop myself from asking. My voice shakes.  _ __   
_ “A monster,” she snarls, turning to face me. My gut clenches. Heart beats heavy and loud.  _ __   
_ “I…” I cannot find the words to deny it. It is true. She is a siha, a protector, a warrior. I am a killer.  _ __   
_ “You what?”  _ __   
_ “I’m sorry,” I gasp. She does not come to grasp my arm like she does normally. She is so far away. Disgusted with me. A monster.  _ __   
_ “Sorry won’t bring back the people you’ve killed, the innocents you couldn’t protect. Do what you want, Thane, but don’t pretend you’re doing this for me. I won’t have their blood on my hands, or our child’s.” She has never spoken this harshly. Her words hold no love. Only venom. Hate.  _ __   
  


_ Monster.  _ __   
__   
The woman sobbing behind me spit onto the floor, aiming at my foot. I could not bring myself to look at her again. Instead, I punched in the coordinates from her husband’s latest video call and sent them to Liara. They were no doubt corrupted somehow, but they were the best lead we had.    
My fists were still trembling, and I could feel the blood caking my skin. The man’s wife would have a broken nose and some minor bruises, but within a week, she would be alright.  I couldn’t say the same about Shepard. A little pain was all it took for the woman to break, when I told her I didn’t intend to harm her husband. I didn’t like harming a civilian, but there was little choice when she would not cooperate.    
I left the apartment without further conversation. There was nothing I could say to the woman to make what I had done right. Irikah had been right. I was a monster. But there were more important things then. Shepard was the most important. And surely the gods would forgive a little suffering for the amount it would help prevent. The Reapers would not show mercy, and neither could I.    
An incoming call caused my omnitool to vibrate, halting another memory looming over me. Gratefully, I accepted the call, holding the tool at eye level as Liara materialized on the screen.    
“Thane,” she regarded me coolly.    
“Do you have something?” I could not keep the worry from my voice, and her expression softened.    
“Those coordinates you sent lead to a port in the Sol System, likely one that sees a lot of traffic. He connected using one of their comm terminals. With the dates his wife provided, we might be able to get a log of ships that came and went around the time the call was made,” she said quickly, already tapping away at her computer. The seconds ticked away slowly.    
“Alright, there were fifteen ships that docked within 24 hours before the call was made. Five of them are human ships. Two were carrying refugees, and the other three just wrote down cargo. The refugee ships left in the direction of the Citadel,” she continued, and I heard a few more clicks. She peered at her screen between squinted eyes.    
“Two of the cargo ships went down to Earth, probably military supplies. But the last one is still there. From what I can see in the reports, it sustained heavy damage in a battle. The remaining crew and cargo were transferred to a ship owned by someone named Anthony Hibbs. He is a wealthy human, best known for his advancements in weapons technology,” she read.    
“He seems like someone who would have a stake in Cerberus,” I replied. I had already found my way back to the Normandy’s dock. No one had come with me on this mission, by my own orders. Should force have been needed, which it was, I hadn’t wanted anyone to get in the way.    
“Most likely,” she murmured, her attention on something on her screen.    
“Should we head back to Earth then?” I asked. Trying to find Shepard on that Reaper-filled planet seemed hopeless.    
“No, Hibbs would be long gone by now. I’d be surprised if we could find him. I would head back to the Sol System, but go to the port. I doubt they left the damaged ship completely unsupervised. There is probably someone there overseeing the repairs. If they can be made to talk…” Liara hinted.    
“Understood,” I replied softly.    
“Funds are tight right now, but if you could get them to talk for a sum of 50,000 credits, and the information is worth it, it might be preferable to the type of interrogation you are thinking.” Surprised, I shot her a questioning look.    
“I worked with Shepard, Thane. Even she knew force was needed sometimes, but she also avoided it whenever she could. I’m sure she would want the same now,” the asari explained.    
Wordlessly, I nodded. Of course she would want as little blood spilled in her name as possible. But, were it me that was missing, I felt as though she wouldn't care who she had to hurt to find me.    
"Liara, we need to find her soon," I murmured softly. I wasn’t sure why I voiced these words, but her blue eyes reflected my own worries. What if we were too late? 

"We are going as fast as we can, Thane. You know Shepard wouldn't want us to blame ourselves, no matter what happens." 

"Yes," I replied, "I am going to head back to the ship. Please alert medical personnel that there is someone in that apartment that needs assistance." 

"Alright, I'm sending an anonymous message now," she mumbled as her slender fingers tapped away at her omnitool. I sagged against the wall behind me for a moment, trying to catch my ragged breath. 

"Are you alright?" The asari's eyes were on me now, betraying her faintly masked concern. 

"I will be momentarily. The treatment helped the coughing, at least," I smiled. 

"You know, there are some more advanced treatments being tested on Sur'Kesh. I could

look into them for you." The offer caught me by surprise, but her sapphire eyes were holding my gaze without a hint of resentment. 

"Why would you help me?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. 

"I love Shepard, Thane. I want her to be happy. There is only so much loss she could take... I can't imagine what she is feeling now. She was bad enough after Ashley. This war will have many fatalities. She is going to lose people, a lot of people, and there is nothing she can do about that. If I can help ease her suffering by preventing one death, why wouldn't I? I've seen the way she looks at you. She loves you, and as much as I hate to admit it, she needs you." 

I gave a soft smile as my only reply. Shepard did love me, that I had no doubt about, but it wasn't her who needed me. That was the other way around. 

"Thank you," I managed. My smile to the asari was genuine for once, and she gave me a brief nod before cutting off the call. 

Shepard had been right to love Liara, she only wanted the Commander to be happy. 

I wanted to tell myself that I was the same, and I would gladly let Shepard go if she chose Liara. But in truth, I wasn't sure I could. 


	7. Chapter 7

_ I stare up at the stars. They float lazily beyond the window as we drift through the void, flickers of fire burning in the distance. I had been a child when I first saw the view from space, unobstructed by clouds or moons. Even now, the beauty still makes me breathless. As deep and mysterious as the ocean, there was no end to them. I feel Shepard shift in her sleep, nestling closer to me. She had dropped into bed as soon as we entered the room, not even bothering to take off her boots. Normally, she closed the skylight and shielded the view with a blank metal cover. Tonight, however, she hadn’t, and I am able to bask in the mystical view of the window as I hold my love in my arms. She shifts again, more urgently this time. I pull my eyes away from the stars and focus on her face. She is anything but peaceful. She struggles now, writhing as she pulls her arm up to the back of her head, her mouth open in a silent scream. Her hand narrowly misses my jaw as she fights some unknown foe behind her.  _ __   
_ I have seen several nightmares, but typically she simply wakes up with a start and resumes her slumber. This nightmare has her gasping for breath, murmuring words too low for me to hear. Momentarily, I am at a loss for what to do. Irikah never had nightmares. I quickly regain my senses and wake her. A single shake is all it takes. Her eyes pop open and roam the room, focusing on the expanse of stars above us. The sight should have calmed her, but instead, she lets out a terrified cry.  _ __   
_ “Siha, what’s wrong?” I ask, pulling her to me. She shakes violently, pushing her head into my chest so hard it cuts off my breath. She pulls the blanket over her eyes, sobbing.  _ __   
_ “EDI, close the skylight, please,” I order quickly as yet another cry escapes Shepard’s lips. The minute the cover clicks into place, she stiffens, peeking one eye out to ensure the view is gone.  _ __   
_ It takes several minutes of gentle reassurances and soft touches to make Shepard look into my eyes. I have never seen her cry before, but it is the most terrifying sight I’ve been forced to behold since I found Irikah’s body.  _ __   
_ “Please, siha, what’s wrong?” I whisper. My hand strokes her wildly tangled hair from her face, trying in vain to tuck the clumps behind her ear.  _ __   
_ “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, snuggling her head into the crook of my neck. I hold her for what feels like hours while her breath gradually quiets and her tears subside.  _ __   
_ “This dream was unlike your others,” I observe. She nods into my shoulder, shuddering once more.  _ __   
_ “I should have closed the damn shutter,” she says finally.  _ __   
_ “Why does the view upset you so?” I ask. I cannot get the memory of her haunted eyes out of my mind.  _ __   
_ “It was the last thing I saw before… well….” she falters.  _ __   
_ “Before what?” I press. She is silent.  _ __   
_ “Before I died,” comes the hesitant reply. A chill creeps over me.  _ __   
_ “It was just a dream, siha. You are alive, here in my arms,” I reassure her. She shakes her head mournfully, pulling back to prop herself against the headboard. I follow her lead, tracing absent circles on her hand with my thumb.  _ __   
_ “It wasn’t a dream. It was a memory,” she sighs. My thumb stops in its tracks. A memory. But she was not dead.  _ __   
_ “What do you mean?” _ __   
_ “No one told you?” she asks, surprised.  _ __   
_ “Told me what?” For a moment, I wonder if she is still sleep talking, but I quickly put that notion from my head. She is far too alert. Her eyes are staring into mine. Her teeth nibble at her bottom lip. Nervous.  _ __   
_ “I… I died, Thane. Cerberus brought me back.” Her eyes search mine for any sign of revulsion. Suddenly, I realize she is worried I will reject her.  _ __   
_ “And you brought me back,” I remind her, clasping her hand in mine.  _ __   
_ “No, it’s not like that,” she shakes her head, frustrated.  _ __   
_ “I wasn’t in a battle sleep. I was dead. Gone. Nothing but ‘meat and tubes’, from what Jacob tells me. For two years. They had a funeral and everything.” _ __   
_ “What are you talking about?” My voice is horrified, and she flinches at the sound. She pulls her hand from mine.  _ __   
_ “Two and a half years ago, the original Normandy was attacked by a Collector ship. It cut it in half. Most of my crew were already in escape pods, but Joker didn’t want to leave the ship. He thought he could save it. I went back for him, and got him into the pod just in time before the Collectors fired another round. I barely had time to press the launch button before I was ejected into space….I….Well, my breathing chamber was cut by some shrapnel, and I was spinning helplessly while all my air ejected… I fought to fix it, tried to do.. something, but I couldn’t. My lungs burned and I couldn’t hold my breath anymore. It felt like my chest was exploding, and my head was being stabbed.. I didn’t last long before I suffocated. After that, there was nothing. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in intense pain with Miranda yelling at someone to give me some sedatives to put me back under…. She told me I had been dead for about a month before she finally got a hold of me, and I was probably… gone for more than a year before they got my body working again.” She won’t meet my eyes. Disbelief stills my tongue. My siha had been on Kalahira’s shore after a horrible death, and was pulled away after two years to be brought back as a pawn. The injustice of it elicits a growl from my throat. Her breath catches.  _ __   
_ “I’m still me, I think. Garrus didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. I glow now, and have more scars, but I’m me, same Shepard as before,” she stammers, panicking. In her voice, I see her own doubts. But I have seen her soul. That, I know at least, is her.  _ __   
_ “Thane, please say something. I know it’s a lot to take in, I still struggle too. But I promise I believe I’m still me. I don’t feel like an AI or something. Please… just…”  _ __   
_ My lips cut off her next words, and I pull her to me. The tension in her drains away, and she breathes a sigh of relief into my mouth. Her arms wrap around my waist, clinging for life.  _ __   
_ “I know it is you, Shepard. A being without a soul would not have the fire you do. Please do not worry I doubt your existence,” I say between kisses. Tears of a different kind escape her eyes now. I brush them away with my thumb.  _ __   
_ “I am angry for you. For you being ripped away from the peace you so bravely earned. For the terror you must have felt. For the people who chose your fate for you. But for you, siha,” I kiss her between ragged breaths, “I have nothing but love for you.”  _ __   
__   
“Thane!” Miranda shouted. I focused my attention on the terminal screen, praying I didn’t repeat that memory aloud.    
“Finally. Look, whatever you may feel about me, it doesn’t matter right now. I need you to trust me,” she said. I tried to keep my face emotionless, but there was too much at stake.    
“You want me to meet with some contact that you won’t tell me anything about, who is speaking for Hibbs, a man we aren’t even sure is alive. And this person just happens to know the location of Shepard. All he is asking for is 500,000 credits, which needs to be delivered before he will agree to meet with us. Also, this contact just happens to be on the station we are docked at. Does this not sound suspicious to you, Miranda?” I growled.    
“Of course,” she huffed, “But you forget I have worked with Cerberus for years. I know how to read a bad deal, and this doesn’t seem like one. Hibbs used to support Cerberus, but stopped when the Reapers hit Earth. He is ticked that the Illusive Man couldn’t protect them like he promised to, probably. It makes sense that he would want to help find the only person who has a chance of protecting him, especially if he is pissed Cerberus is still using his ships and his men.”   
“Or he stopped supporting Cerberus because he died when the Reapers attacked, and Cerberus took over his company in his absence and that is why they are using his ships. And now they are throwing us onto a false trail to get us out of their hair,” I countered. She glared at me, not sure how to deal with someone questioning her authority.    
“We have to try. New intel suggests Shepard may not have enough time for us to go another route. This is our best shot.”    
“What intel?”    
“Trust me, you don’t want to know the details,” she muttered.    
“Yes, I do. Now tell me,” I demanded, fists clenched. Why did everyone seek to protect me from crucial information?   
“Fine. EDI managed to record a vidcomm from the Illusive Man to one of his scientists. It was heavily encrypted, but she managed to make out the words: ‘Don’t care what it takes’ and ‘make sure Shepard is not a threat’. There were a few other phrases that she couldn’t make out, but Shepard’s name was mentioned more than once. Now are you willing to cooperate?” The ex-Cerberus operative managed to keep her voice level, but Thane could see her ragged breath.    
“Where should I meet him?” I asked, defeated.    
“He’ll come to the Normandy, just keep it docked there for a few more hours. I’ll let him know to come find you. And Thane, please try to remember I am on your side. I want her back just as much as you do.” I nodded, but inwardly, my mind reeled. Miranda may feel she was a friend to Shepard, but I knew it was more out of a sense of duty than any sort of love. The woman cared only about her and her sister, and we both knew if Shepard stood between them, Miranda wouldn’t hesitate to betray her former Commander.    
“I will have Joker contact you once the meeting has concluded,” I replied hastily. The call flickered out with barely a nod from Miranda, and the screen was once again blank. 

Feeling fear constrict around my gut, I closed my eyes and forced myself to meditate, all while making a thousand silent pleas to Arashu to protect Shepard, and to Kalahira, begging her not to reclaim my siha just yet. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I skipped the scene with Thane meeting the second contact, as it didn't seem important to the plot all that much. But if it feels empty, I'll write out a scene.

_ “Thane, can we at least talk about this?” Her voice is pleading, so unlike her usual tone.  _ _   
_ _ “What is there to say, Shepard? I have already apologized.”  _ _   
_ _ “I don’t want you to apologize, Thane. It’s alright to remember her. You still love her, and I would never seek to change that,” she says softly, coming forward to seize my hand.  _ _   
_ _ “I want to talk about what she said to you,” she adds. My eyebrows jump in surprise. Everyone warned me not to talk too much about former loves with a current lover, but here Shepard was, initiating the conversation.  _ _   
_ _ “I’m afraid I don’t know which particular memory you are referring to,” I reply. I had been worried she would be angry that I had been remembering Irikah when I was supposed to be keeping her company, but she had followed me all the way down to life support to tell me otherwise.  _ _   
_ _ “The one where she said you were a killer.” _ _   
_ _ “Sunset eyes narrow in anger. ‘I can smell the blood on you.’ Kolyat cries. She puts him the crib. ‘Don’t touch him till you take a long shower. I don’t want him to remember his father smelled like a killer.’” I recall. The memory still smarts. I can see the anger in Shepard’s eyes.  _ _   
_ _ “Yes, that one,” she says.  _ _   
_ _ “What of it?” I try to keep my voice calm, but the memory is too painful. I cannot control the way my tone quivers.  _ _   
_ _ “She was wrong,” she states simply. She must see the confusion on my face. Irikah was not wrong. I am a killer.  _ _   
_ _ “No, she was correct. I had rushed home without taking a day to ‘air out’, as humans say. Blood is a very distinct smell, and drell have very good memories. I would not want Kolyat’s memories tainted by the scent,” I argue. She pulls me closer, moving her hands up to grip my shoulders and force me to face her.  _ _   
_ _ “I’m not talking about the scent. We both know that’s not why the memory bothers you. She made you feel unwanted, because you did your job. If we had children, and I came home from battle covered in blood and sweat, would you prevent our children from running up to hug me when I returned?” she presses. _ _   
_ _ “Of course not. They would be elated you returned unharmed. They wouldn’t care what you smelled like,” I scoff.  _ _   
_ _ “Then how is it any different with Kolyat?”  _ _   
_ _ “Siha, you are a warrior, an angel that protects innocents. You would smell only of victory, and your stains would be trophies of honor for your bravery. They would see you as a hero. I was not a soldier or a warrior. My skills have been honed not to protect, like yours, but to kill. Painlessly, yes, but to kill nonetheless. It would shame Kolyat to know I came home carrying the blood of innocents.” She growls and grabs my cheeks, pulling me to her firmly and pressing her stubborn lips against mine.  _ _   
_ _ “You only took contracts that would help people when you were with your family. I know you, Thane Krios, and you are not a killer. You protect innocents, and you are a hero.”  _ _   
_ _ I open my mouth to argue, but she cuts me off.  _ _   
_ _ “I know Irikah was a wonderful woman, and she saw the world in a different way than I do. I would never say anything against her. But in this instance, she was wrong. You are a good man, and you deserve happiness. You’ve atoned for imagined sins long enough.”  _ _   
_ _ I can almost hear Arashu speaking through her.  This slight human is so small, so fragile in my arms. Yet, she has saved the Citadel, walked Kalahira’s shores, awoken me from my battlesleep, and saved my son.  _ _   
_ _ “Siha, I….”  _ _   
_ _ She kisses me again, more gently. Her lips are soft, yielding as they part to meet with mine. She tastes of sunshine and saltwater. She tastes of forgiveness.  _ _   
_ __   
“We’re here,” Joker addressed me from over his shoulder. I leaned closer to the window to get a better view. 

True to the contact’s word, there was a base at the coordinates. The planet was called Saturn, but the base was on one of its many moons. We could only see the landing strip, but most of the facility was probably underground. My heart thudded in my chest. We were so close. My entire being was alight with a nervous flutter as I put on my light armor and secured my gun to my back. Irikah’s eyes haunted me, open and empty as she lay in a pool of blood. Shepard had been able to reassure me that night, but the guilt soon came back, like it always did. I had so much blood on my hands. I couldn’t deal with having hers as well. For the sake of the galaxy, I sent yet another prayer to Arashu for protection for both me and my siha.    
My thoughts raced as I took the elevator down to the Shuttle Bay. Kasumi and I were going to go into the base alone, with James and Cortez ready to provide back-up or pick-up as needed.    
I repeated prayers to Arashu, then sent a plea to Amonkira to help me find her. Despite my best efforts, though, I could not calm the tempest raging inside my heart. Memories of Irikah and Shepard flowed through my head, reminding me of what would happen if we were too late.    
Once we were all situated in the Hammerhead, Cortez drove us off the back of the hatch. The thrusters kicked in just before we hit ground, jostling us in our seat belts. The shuttle carried us to the landing zone, but Cortez didn’t touch down. Instead, Kasumi and I dropped down beside the landing zone, careful not to actually touch the hard surface, in case it was rigged with pressure sensors.    
“Cloaking,” Kasumi called out as she shimmered into invisibility. Even with my training, it was hard to make her out against the flat sky behind us. My oxygen mask kept my warm breath close to my face, a comforting sensation. I took several deep breaths, experimenting with the dry air around us. For being so far from the sun, the fact that the surface of the moon was not covered in ice was astounding. It must have some sort of atmosphere of its own.    
“Ready?” I asked Kasumi over the comm.    
“Ready,” she affirmed, voice eager.    
Guns ready, I stood to the side while Kasumi hacked into the doors below the landing pad, readying myself to face whatever lay inside. 


	9. Chapter 9

_Her body was cold. Growing stiff as I held it against me, the blood long since dried. Kolyat sat holding her hand, barely blinking.  
__"Daddy?" His voice is smaller than it has been in years. I cannot speak. Instead, I meet his eyes, only to flinch at the anger I see there.  
__"Where were you? You were supposed to be home yesterday! Those men came and....They knew you! They said your name!"  
__"Kolyat, I...."_  
"She called you, too. She kept calling your name when they were.... She called you. Why didn't you come?!" 

 

"Got it!" Kasumi's voice barely registered over Kolyat's screams. But my entire reality was consumed by the woman in the middle of the room. 

Her eyes were closed. That was the first thing I saw. Her eyes were closed, not open in frozen terror like Irikah's. Also, unlike Irikah, she was breathing. 

But the rest of the scene was much too familiar. Bruises dotted her exposed arms and legs. She wore only shorts and a sleeveless top, but even so she was still drenched in sweat. The chair she was resting in barely supported her neck, and her head fell to the side, her cropped hair falling across her face, much shorter than I recalled. She seemed to be sleeping, but the Shepard I knew was a light sleeper, and would have awoken when we hacked the lock, no matter how quiet. Her limbs were bound to the arm and leg rests by blue arcs of electricity.   
  
"I remember this chair. It looks just like the one Liara's friend Feron was held in," Kasumi said quietly, "It's a torture method called electrosis. The victim is shocked every few hours randomly, or when they struggle. The shocks vary in strength and duration." The mirth was gone from her voice, but her face betrayed no emotion. She spared another glance at her former commander before opening her omnitool and striding over to the computer attached to the monitors beside Shepard.   


"Siha?" I asked, stepping closer to the chair. My hand reached out of its own accord, gently brushing the hair from her face, exposing more bruises. Her skin burned beneath my fingertips. Booklets of human physiology fluttered through my brain.   
  
"She has a fever. That is a symptom of shock, correct?" Kasumi nodded briskly at my question, her eyes never leaving the streaming codes on her omnitool. I turned my attentions back to Shepard, taking in the goosebumps prickling her flesh and the scorch marks that burned beneath her restraints. All of this, I could have spared her had I only been faster. My skills were slipping with my age.   
  
"Ok, I think I got it," Kasumi announced, a note of triumph in her voice. She tapped the screen of the computer, but instead of shutting down, blue lines flared out from Shepard's cuffs, enveloping her body in a current that caused her eyes to snap open and her muscles to spasm as she writhed in her seat. Back arched, biting her lips so hard blood flowed, and a muffled cry in her throat, her exhausted body tried to fight against the current for several seconds of agony for both me and her, until finally it released her and she dropped onto the chair.   
  
Kasumi said nothing, turning back to her omnitool once again, but I could see her fingers trembling as she sifted through more codes.   
  
"Thane?" Shepard's voice was weak, barely a whisper. But when I turned my gaze back to hers, I found her dark eyes alert and coherent, if not a little glazed.   


"I'm here, siha." 

 

_"She called your name and you weren't there!"_

 

"I'm here," I repeated, my voice more assured.   
  
My fingers found hers as our hands intertwined for the first time in months. I could do nothing but hold her as Kasumi worked, clenching my teeth when the shocks racked both of our bodies. But I was grateful that I could take some of the pain for her. Her fingers gripped mine with fleeting strength as yet another wave of pain coursed through her, her eyes never leaving mine, though the clarity in them faded. 

It seemed like hours, the shocks burned my skin and left my muscles drained, my headache pulsing heavily behind my temples. In reality, it was only a few minutes before the cuffs finally fizzled into nothingness, leaving nothing but angry welts across her wrists and ankles.   
  
"Finally," Kasumi muttered, voice dry and calculated. Her soft footsteps approached Shepard's other side, gently taking her shoulder and giving me a nod before we began to heave her up. The moment her feet hit the floor, Shepard collasped to the ground and vomited, spitting disgustedly when she was done. Gingerly, we grabbed her arms, pulling her up while I stood behind her to steady her stance. Her body leaned against mine, lighter than I remembered, and I could feel the tremors consuming her.   
  
"The shuttle isn't far, Shep. Just a few corridors," Kasumi encouraged. But the commander looked at her blankly.  Suddenly, her body leaned forward, as if to take a step. Instead, she launched herself at the small woman before her, hands thrashing wildly as they clawed Kasumi's cheek, nails leaving ragged scratches behind them. 

"Siha!" I shouted as she fell to her knees, retching yet again. Her head turned towards my voice, but the eyes that met mine were animal and foreign, narrowed in distrust. Before either of us could move, she collapsed sideways onto the floor, her head hitting the tile with a sharp crack.   
  
Kasumi watched in confusion as I knelt to retrieve her, scooping her up into my arms with her head resting on my chest. Her eyes fluttered open, disoriented and unsure.   
  
"Thane?" she gasped in surprise. Her voice came out in a harsh whisper, disbelief coating her words.   
  
"I'm here," I repeated for what felt like the millionth time. Shepard nodded weakly, her eyes sliding shut once more. An exchanged glance with Kasumi confirmed that she was as lost as I was.   
  
We had no time to ponder the situation, however. An alarm sounded throughout the complex, red lights flashing on the wall.   
  
"That's not good," Kasumi muttered, removing her gun from its holster. I nodded, shifting Shepard slightly to reclaim my own. My aim would be off, carrying her, but Kasumi's aim was almost as good as my own.   
  
"Come on!"   
  
Kasumi's voice drove me on from behind, as I kicked off the few enemies in front of us. By the number of times Kasumi was firing her rifle, I guessed there were many more behind us.   
  
We wove our way down the corridors, fighting off mechs and troopers alike. By the time we reached the pick-up coordinates, Kasumi's Locust was clicking empty. Turning quickly, I deposited Shepard on some crates behind me, praying to Arashu my barrier would protect her.   
  
A wall of mechs had formed behind us. Kasumi was taking them out with her biotics one at a time, but for every one she killed, another appeared.   


My vision was blurring with the exertion of carrying Shepard and from running, but it was clear enough to at least hit all the mechs in the chest. Once reduced to crawling, Kasumi took them out.   
  
A sudden pain stabbed my skull, forcing my eyes to clench with pain. My double lids shut out all sight, agony consuming my thoughts. 

**Not now, not now**. My voice raged inside my head, forging itself against the pain.  _You weren't there._

With a growl, I launched myself forward. If I couldn't shoot, I would use my hands. I'd fought in the dark before.   
  
"Thane!" A soft voice called.   
  
_She kept calling your name._

My hand closed around a metal throat, wires tangling around my fingers as my biotics pierced the outer shell.   
  
"Thane!" The voice was more insistent now.   
  
_They knew you._

_You weren't there._

Another head, crushed beneath my boot. The pain was subsiding finally, but something was beeping. Beeping. 

**My shields.**

"Enough!" 

  
The air around me rippled with energy, my eyes opening to a flash of blue cascading harmlessly past me, toppling a row of mechs like bowling pins. A few exploded, taking others with them. The last echo of Shepard's cry and her shockwave faded into silence, and I heard her body hit the crates behind me. Worried she fainted again, I turned quickly to revive her. But she was already sitting with a satisfied smirk on her face, leaning heavily against the tall crate beside her.   
  
"Are you alright, siha?" She looked at me crossly, her expression filled with worry, exhaustion, pain, triumph, and disdain  
  
"Yeah, just get me back on my fucking ship." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a bit of liberty with Thane's disease, here. Without a steady supply of oxygen, I feel like a drell with perfect memory and a traumatic past would have a hard time keeping the timeline in order in his head when he is running on empty.  
> More exploration of Shepard to come, maybe even a few chapters from her POV, unless you guys would rather me stick to Thane.  
> Thanks for the reviews and kudos, they help inspire me to continue this story. If you want a more angsty version of this, look it up under the same title on Fanfiction.net.


	10. Chapter 10

All of the fight seemed to go out of Shepard the minute she entered the ship's airlock. Her entire body shook with what I could only presume was exhaustion, if not pain. It only worried me more that she compliantly allowed Traynor to help her onto a gurney and lead her down to the medbay. 

 

 _Shepard comes in. Dripping with blood, visibly shaken and limping. Grunting with each step._  
_"Shall I ask Chakwas to bring up a wheelchair, Commander?" The voice of the AI could almost be described as concerned._  
_"No, that won't be necessary. My other leg works just fine. You can ask Garrus to bring a bottle of bourbon up to my cabin, though," Shepard replies, smiles in my direction. But she is unsteady, and nearly falls on the next step. Samara stands behind her, ready._  
_"Are you sure that is wise?" I ask before I can stop myself. On the first week, it does not bode well to be questioning your employer. But the human only grins as she waves the justicar's arms away.  
_ _"Krios, if you need to learn anything around here, it's that if Shepard ever willingly goes to the medbay, someone has replaced her with a clone," laughs a voice from the safety of the cockpit._

 

As the real world slowly came back into focus, I felt myself smile at the memory, while also cringing at the sight in front of me. Not a clone, no. But something was markedly different about my siha, and it disturbed me that I couldn't quite grasp what it was. Taking a deep breath, I rooted myself to the present, taking in the sounds around me, the hard floors beneath my feet, the squeak of the wheels as Shepard was wheeled to the elevator. Once I was grounded, I looked directly at her. She watched the lights moving above her passively, jumping slightly when the elevator door sounded. Her eyes roamed the space in the elevator as we descended, seemingly unable to focus on anything. I stretched out my arm to take her hand, but was blocked by Kasumi as she moved into Shepard's line of sight.   
  
"Shep?" She asked anxiously. There was no response. Instead, the commander stared right past her, as if she didn't exist.   
  
"Shepard, if you can hear us, please respond," EDI's voice piped up. Heavy silence filled the elevator, as we held our breath. Silently, I prayed. Kalahira couldn't take her yet, we still needed her.   
  
"Specialist Traynor, please feel the commander's pulse. Her heart rate is elevated," EDI ordered after a moment, her voice sounding through the ceiling speakers as the elevator doors opened. Traynor nodded, moving from her place at Shepard's feet to put two fingers to her neck, all while Kasumi pushed her wildly through the doors to the medbay. I followed behind silently, not able to tear my eyes away from that terrifyingly familiar empty gaze.   
  
"I'm having trouble finding it!" The young woman's fingers trembled as she checked the other pulse sites along Shepard's body. Wrist, temple, behind the knee, even the top of her feet. Each time, she looked up with a slight shake of her head. Fear constricted at my gut, but I made my hands keep steady as I brought my own index finger to Shepard's throat. Drell were more sensitive to touch when compared to many other species, and I needed to feel for myself. Sure enough, her frantic heartbeat pattered beneath my fingertips. Faint, but there. 

"I found it. It's weak, but she is tachycardic," I announced. Pages and pages of medical dictionaries fluttered through my memory as I scoured for anything that could help the current situation.   
  
"She is going into shock. Specialist Traynor, please go into the medical supply cabinet and retrieve a saline drip and two eighteen gauge catheters. Miss Goto, please go to the freezer beneath the desk and open the top compartment. Inside, you will find a supply of human O- negative blood. Scan the bag's barcode with your omnitool to activate it, and while the VI inside it oversees the defrosting, please run to the crew quarters and grab as many blankets as you can find. Sere Krios, please stay with Shepard and elevate her feet above her head. If she stops breathing, administer CPR." As EDI listed off our respective duties, we jumped to our individual tasks. I could hear Traynor muttering to herself under her breath, while Kasumi moved faster than I imagined she could. I moved down to Shepard's legs and gently lifted them off the bed, holding them two feet up in the air to encourage the blood to flow back to her heart. Behind me, I heard a loud beep as Kasumi activated the blood transfusion VI, as well as the scraping of metal as the zippers of Traynor's suit scratched the metal surface of the supply cabinet. But my eyes never left Shepard's chest, waiting for the inevitable moment it would cease to rise and fall.   
  
"Sere Krios, please remember to take deep, even breaths. We require your assistance with Shepard, and cannot risk you having an attack at the current moment," EDI chided, her voice coming from the speaker behind me. Silently, I cursed myself for my weakness and fought to calm my ragged breathing, trying to separate it from Shepard's fast huffs.   
  
"Alright, EDI, I've got them. Now what?" Traynor questioned frantically as she spread the supplies across the table beside the bed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her take the bag of clear liquid and hang it on the hook above Shepard's head.   
  
"Restrain the commander's arm with the restraint hooked to the bed, and use your index finger to feel for her median cubital vein. Once you find it, uncap the catheter and insert it into the vein with the opening facing up," the AI replied calmly.   
  
"The what?" Traynor's eyes were as large as saucers, her voice trembling as she fought a losing battle to remain calm.   
  
"The median cubital vein, found typically in the middle of the inner elbow. You can find it by palpating for a spongy tissue that is slightly firmer than the rest of the skin in that space, but not as firm as the muscles bordering it." EDI's patience seemed to be waning, as her tone was taking on a harsher edge. Traynor nodded and turned over Shepard's arm, but we both gasped when we saw the injection trails decorating her inner arm.   
  
"I don't think I can do this," she whimpered, looking up at me. Wordlessly, I nodded and traded places with her. As gently as I could, I turned my siha's arm the rest of the way and pulled the restraint around her wrist, hoping it wasn't too tight. Grabbing a needle off the bedside table with my right hand, I used the fused fingers of my left to feel around Shepard's inner arm. Human veins were much closer to the surface than drell's, but I couldn't find the vein beneath the layers of bruises and scar tissue.   
  
"I can't locate the median cubital vein. I will use the cephalic instead," I told EDI as I uncapped the needle. The pale skin of Shepard's forearm exposed the blue of her cephalic vein brightly, even through the bruises. Holding the needle up to the light so I could find the bevel, I tried to take a breath to steady my hand as I gently slid it into the soft flesh, relief flooding me when red blood flashed in the hub of the needle. Taking care not to disturb the injection site, I pushed the base of the needle down into the skin to activate the adhesive. Once it was secure, I quickly connected the line of the saline to the IV, watching as the fluid moved achingly slow down the tubes and into her arm.   
  
"Thank you, Sere Krios. Now please repeat the procedure on the other arm with the blood transfusion."   
  
The minutes seemed to drag on as I injected the IV into Shepard's other arm, this time taking a minute to check her radial pulse before strapping the restraint on. I couldn't tell if it seemed any stronger. By the time Kasumi came back with arms full of blankets, both IVs were dripping and Shepard's labored breathing had slowed, but only slightly. She wasn't anywhere near what could be described as stable, yet. 

We wadded up the blankets beneath her legs to keep them elevated, and covered her in the rest. She was covered in a sheen of sweat, but her eyes had finally closed at some point.   
  
"I'll sit with her, one of you needs to go reassure the crew." Surprisingly, neither of them argued. Instead, they exchanged a look and both left the room. I noticed Kasumi take a seat in the mess hall, occasionally looking up into the windows. I could only assume Traynor had gone to bring everyone else up to date.   
  
"EDI, I need to you contact Miranda Lawson. Tell her we need her help, and ask where we can meet her," I said, looking in the general direction of the ship's cameras.   
  
"Very well, Sere Krios," the AI responded. It paused for a moment, as if wanting to say something else, before I heard the click of the speaker cutting off.   
  
My body felt more fatigued than it had been in months, and all I could manage was to pull a chair up next to Shepard's bed and take her hand in mine, warming it between my hardened palms.   
  
"Please, siha," I whispered, "I can't lose you again." 


End file.
